Fellow vertebrate and alternate-universe presidential candidate NEWT GINGRICH is making much political hay about Park51, the Islamic community center being built a mere two blocks from a bootleg DVD vendor!  (Los Expendabales, anyone?)

I cannot see why a supposedly thoughtful amphibian would pick a fight over the first amendment?  Perhaps he wants to preserve this historic loading dock as-is!

Or perhaps he has become a demagogue, picking a symbolic fight that he knows he will lose to rally the people around his pond!

With that in mind, I have constructed a chart of Xenophobe-approved civil rights organized by skin color!  Ho ho, Newt, perhaps you can use it in your campaign brochure!

MY RECOMMENDATION: ELENA KAGAN.  FOR IN CHOOSING HER, MR. OBAMA WILL CONTINUE HIS TRADITION OF PACKING THE COURT WITH UGLY SHE-BEARS!

AND ARE WE NOT A NATION OF TRADITIONS?

THE SUPREME COMMANVAN

THE RESULTS WERE NOT EXACTLY WHAT I HAD IN MIND! NEVERTHELESS, ONE CANNOT DENY THE QUALITY. THANK YOU JERRY FOR TRANSFORMING MY VAN INTO A WORK OF ART!

HERE I AM PICTURED WITH THE LOYAL CREW OF THE MEMPHIS BEAR, THE LONGEST-SERVING BEAR-52 IN US MILITARY HISTORY.  BUT DON’T WORRY - WE DIDN’T BOMB ANYONE!  OUR MISSION WAS TO BRING SNACK CAKES TO THE FRONT LINES!

HONESTLY, I DO NOT UNDERSTAND THE OBJECTIONS.  YES, IT IS TRUE - SHE IS AS UGLY AS A SHE-GRIZZLY AWAKENED THREE MONTHS EARLY, WITH ALL HER WINTER FAT STILL SOMEHOW UNTAPPED  - BUT THIS HARDLY DISQUALIFIES HER.  THE SCJ POSITION IS NOT BASED ON APPEARANCE - I CITE WILLIAM HOWARD TAFT AS PRECEDENT!

THOUGH AT ONE POINT I DESIRED THIS POSITION, I HAVE TO AGREE THAT MS. SOTOMAYOR IS MORE QUALIFIED.  I HAVE NEVER BEEN TO LAW SCHOOL.   WE HAVE AN OPENING, HERE IS (AN ADMITTEDLY WITCH-FACED) CANDIDATE - CASE CLOSED!

THE SUPREME COMMANEAR

THIS IS ONE BEAR THAT WON’T DESTROY YOUR INVESTMENTS - UNLESS YOU BET HEAVILY ON SALMON!  HA HA!

HERE I AM PRESENTING A CHECK TO SHE-GRIZZLY NANCY PELOSI.  I RAISED THE FUNDS THE OLD FASHIONED WAY - THROUGH A TOM-WAT FUNDRAISER!  DOOR TO DOOR I WENT, SELLING FINE MERCHANDISE AT LOW LOW PRICES.

THE MONEY WILL GO TOWARD REBUILDING OUR SPIRIT!  AND ALSO MEDICARE.

I WOULD LIKE TO DECLARE MY AVAILABILITY FOR THIS VACANCY!  I HAVEN’T WORN ROBES SINCE MY HONORARY DEGREE AT TULANE UNIVERSITY, BUT MAKE NO MISTAKE - I FILL THEM WELL!  I PROMISE WISDOM, HONOR, AND NO LITMUS TESTS, OTHER THAN THAT FOR PH!

KEEPING THE PHONE LINES CLEAR…

P.S.  MANDY,  THE MICROWAVE WAS BROKEN WHEN WE UNPACKED IT.  YES, I DO KNOW HOW TO OPERATE A MICROWAVE!

THOUGH I AM IN THE BACKGROUND HERE, I DID GET TO SPEAK TO DANIEL ORTEGA AT LENGTH!  IT TURNS OUT HE IS NOT BEHIND THE TACO SHELLS OF THE SAME NAME.  THAT IS ANOTHER ORTEGA!

MY FRIENDS AROUND THE WORLD, AS THE SUMMIT COMES TO A CLOSE, NEVER FORGET THAT ALL STATES ARE TRULY AMERICAN STATES!

IT WAS A CASE WORTHY OF SOLOMON HIMSELF.  TWO WOMEN CLAIMED TO BE THE OWNER OF THE SAME CAT!   THE JUDGE WAS BAFFLED  UNTIL I STEPPED FOWARD WITH THE SOLUTION.

I SAID, ‘SINCE YOU BOTH CLAIM OWNERSHIP, ONE OF YOU MUST PRODUCE A RECEIPT!”

CASE CLOSED!

CREDO GEORGE NON UNDERSTANDAT BEAR-ESE!  MUY CONFUSIDO AD MY PROPOSALS!  LOCO GEORGE, TU ES INTERVIEWER!  PREPARIDAD!